Shoelace Diaries

Disclaimer: I love to write, it is my release. But, I don’t publish a lot of blog posts, mostly because I am human and afraid of the feedback I will get from them. And also because most everything I write doesn’t perfectly meet my own personal expectations. I only publish posts that I feel perfectly define how I am feeling, or accurately communicate whatever it is that I want to say at that particular time. In an attempt to put all of that behind, here is a free-write inspired by an evening spent with my daughter Kwynn. I ask that you read this with an open mind, looking through your “love” glasses, and please comment if you feel like doing so. Thank you.

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Here I sit with nothing to show for the last 30 minutes of observation but a blinking cursor on a blank page. I attempt to put all faith, all trust in my fingers…to translate a message, to communicate a language only a swelling heart can speak. Fearful of a perfected expectation, I let go in experiment. Thus, my heart speaks.

What a night, another sleepless night finds me. But this night is different, and-so I find reason to chuckle. The day started at 5pm, when the exchange of a smile, hug, and kiss between a father and his daughter filled a low heart running on fumes, running low enough to illuminate the warning light. Only fitting, tonight is a night to end a day such as this one, a day only significant to it’s owners.

I cry. I am saved from failure by teardrops, that one by one, drip in unison with every pounding heartbeat in my chest. With each trickled tear that falls, I see each smile she so generously gave me today, and I cry.

In efforts to calm an excited soul, I close my eyes. A soothing rhythm created by heavy, deep-but soft breathing from a nearby bed interrupts a sound that only silence can make. This rhythm presents a pattern of breath only made by the deep sleep of an angel. I pause to soak in a brief moment of perfection, a gift from heaven.

I sniffle quietly, hoping to not disturb her peaceful nightly sleepover at God’s house in heaven.

Blank faced, yet so expressive; she speaks to me even when asleep. And I reply, trying not to let my weakness overtake:

“Daddy’s here Kwynnie, daddy hears you. And I all I can say is thank you. Thank you for allowing me to love you as much as I do. Never forget the love that you create within me, the love found in a heart that beats purely for you. These tears are good tears, don’t you worry. Yes I am sad, but only sad for you. I am sorry you have to go through what you do. You are such a strong little girl. Your strength gives me strength. Your love pulls me along. Your smile sheds light on the darkest worlds. Your eyes melt the coldest hearts. Your presence steals all attention. You are the definition of perfect, and I have the honor of being your dad. That is enough for tonight sweety, you go back to bed. It’s ok honey, I will be here when you wake up. You get your rest and we will play tomorrow. Daddy loves you baby. Gnight.”